


Realistic Boyf Riends Interactions

by Maraculate



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: And rape, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christine is the only rational one, Drabble, Fluff, Funny, Growing Old Together, How Do I Tag, If this ends, It's just mindless crack, Jeremy and Michael are stupid but in love, Love, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Memes, None of these stories connect really, Oops, Quote Unquote, Realistic, They mention slavery, Vines, and murder, but nothing graphic, idk - Freeform, just a dash, read the tags, this was a rollercoaster, with a dash of serious issues thrown in, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-18 12:32:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15485814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maraculate/pseuds/Maraculate
Summary: I'm about to expose everyone (including myself) and show them the right way to write Boyf Riends.I checked over this once so you guys can expose my awful grammar if you want in the comments.





	1. Shitpost Generator MKI

**Author's Note:**

> This started with a meme I saw on IG and it became... this.
> 
> If you read this the entire way through, then you're the real hero.

**Sickfics:**

 

Jeremy and Michael were chilling in Michael’s basement. They decided that instead of getting high, they would finish up the Subspace Emissary in Super Smash Bros.

 

“Tabuu is the weirdest fucking villain ever,” Jeremy said.

 

“Who are we choosing for our six?” Michael asked.

 

“I want Snake, Bowser, and Sonic,” Jeremy replied.

 

“I want Ness, Kirby, and Link, then,” Michael confirmed.

 

Jeremy hadn’t been feeling the best. He initially chalked it up to a headache or a cold, but he was just feeling worse and worse overtime.

 

“Achoo!” Jeremy shouted. He groaned and rubbed his head.

 

“Don’t get your fucking germs on my controller,” Michael shouted.

 

“I’ve been feeling sick…” Jeremy reached out for Michael to hold him.

 

“I’ll cuddle if you if we beat this boss,” Michael suggested. He was totally lying though. While he adored Jeremy, he wasn’t getting sick for him.

 

“Okay…” The beanpole groaned. He played through his fever and they did beat Tabuu in the end. Unfortunately, Jeremy had lost two of his characters in his sickness while Michael only lost one, and usually, Jeremy was better at Smash than he was.

 

“Micha…” Jeremy slurred. He never called him that.

 

“Here’s my hoodie.” Michael threw it at his face.

 

“Wait, what the fuck?” Jeremy’s face burned even redder.

 

“I ain’t getting sickness from your furry germs! I’ll give you Aleve or something, not cuddles!” Michael moved away from Jeremy. “Germ-y.”

 

“Bitch, what the fuck? Get the fuck over here!” Jeremy tried to chase after Michael, but he fell down. “Ugh…”

 

Michael just started laughing and sent a picture to the group chat instead of helping him. He captioned it 'Furry gets beaten by fever'.

 

**While high:**

 

“Hey, you remember that time you masturbated to my voice?” Michael asked.

 

“Remember that time when you left my feverish self to die?” Jeremy shot back.

 

“Is it worse to wear crocs or to shoot up a school?”

 

“Definitely.”

 

**While in arcades:**

 

“Whoever wins gets a blowjob,” Jeremy suggested.

 

“So, I’m getting a blowjob then?” Michael wondered. They stood in front of the skeeball machine.

 

“I’ve been practicing the flick of the wrist.” Jeremy twisted his wrist and winced when it cracked really loudly.

 

Michael deadpanned and got a 1000 on the first try. Jeremy got 300 on the first try.

 

“Fuck,” Jeremy muttered.

 

“Careful, there are children here,” Michael said.

 

“I fucking hate children,” Jeremy said. “And freshman.”

 

**In the middle of a thunderstorm:**

 

“Hey Michael?” Jeremy’s voice was quavering. He was laying in bed and his face was damp with sweat. It was three a.m., and the storm outside raged on. The thunder boomed throughout the sky like drummers in a marching band.

 

“What is it?” Michael’s voice was tired. He was probably sleeping.

 

“I just wanted to say that… I… um… need-”

 

“Jeremy Heere, if you’re telling me that a fucking storm is scaring you after all these years-”

 

“Oh, no, fuck that. I was just calling to say that I wanted to come over so I can continue to play Overwatch. My Wi-Fi is down,” Jeremy said.

 

“Go the fuck to bed before I whoop your ass.”

 

**Jeremy wears Michael’s glasses:**

 

“Hey, give me your glasses,” Jeremy said. “I want to see if I look good in them.”

 

“How the fuck am I supposed to tell if you look good if you remove the glasses I need to _see_?” Michael asked.

 

“I’ll take a picture of myself,” Jeremy explained.

 

“Oh. Okay.”

 

Michael took off his glasses, saw nothing but blurry shapes, and watched Jeremy’s distorted figure put his spectacles on. Jeremy pulled out his phone and took a selfie with him. Michael gave a smile and took back his glasses when they were done.

 

“I look…” Michael and Jeremy started. “Like a fucking idiot,” they finished.

 

**Sex:**

 

“Michael, that fucking hurts!” Jeremy shouted.

 

“We’re virgins!” He barked back.

 

“We’ve both watched porn before!” Jeremy facepalmed.

 

“Look, okay. I got more lubricant-”

 

“Just say lube, for the love of God! You’re so unsexy for some reason!”

 

“Jeremy, I would love to fuck you straight into this mattress, but I broke the condom!”

 

“ **How did you break the condom?** ” Jeremy started crying while laughing. His dad wasn’t home, so they thought that they could have sex. Apparently not.

 

“Look, it’s not like we’re going to have STDs from barebacking!”

 

“I don’t want your ‘seminal fluid’ in my ass!” Jeremy exclaimed.

 

“Oh my God, let’s just go get Seven Eleven.”

 

“You’re buying me a slushie.”

 

“Only because I love you, sweetie!”

 

“No, it’s because you’re a failure as a sexual partner.”

 

**Watching sports:**

 

“Hey, Michael, could you change the channel?” Jeremy had a slushie in his left hand and Michael’s hand in the other.

 

“Yeah.”

 

**Watching esports:**

 

“What are you doing? You just C9’d off the point!” Jeremy shouted.

 

“These fucking idiots don’t know what they’re doing!” Michael agreed. They wore purple for the LA Gladiators.

 

“I’m ashamed to be a part of this team. I’m going to lose my bet with Rich,” Jeremy groaned.

 

“You know what, Jeremy? We have to stay positive. It’s only the first round,” Michael said.

 

“Could you guys keep it down?” Mr. Heere called from his room.

 

“Sorry!” They both screamed.

 

**Reading books:**

 

“Oh, no. Jeremy, why are you on the computer and why are you hiding why you’re on the computer?” Michael pointed to Jeremy. Jeremy’s back was hunched and his gaze was intense.

 

“I’m not watching porn!” Jeremy insisted.

 

“Hands off the mouse and keyboard,” Michael said. Jeremy blushed, but obliged.

 

“So what’s it called,” Michael sighed. He furrowed his eyebrow. “What the fuck is Parahumans?”

 

“A story about superheroes. I read books sometimes, believe it or not. I just don’t want you calling me a-”

 

“Geek!” Michael cackled. Jeremy groaned and flipped Michael off.

 

**Vines:**

 

"You ready?” Jeremy had sunglasses on and pillows shuffled into his shirt that gave him the illusion of big breasts.

 

"Yeah." Michael had equally large ‘breasts’ for the meme they were about to recreate.

 

“I saw you hanging out with Kaitlyn yesterday!” Jeremy raised his voice an octave higher.

 

“R-Rebecca, it’s not what you thin-”

 

“I won’t hesitate, bitch!” Jeremy held up a gun and fired two nerf darts at Michael.

 

“You know, most couples go on dates,” Christine said from behind the camera.

 

**While on vacation:**

 

“Could we bring home a crab?” Michael asked. They were standing in the Atlantic ocean down at Long Beach Island.

 

“No, Michael.” Jeremy patted his shoulder. “Ach!” Jeremy fell down due to a particularly large wave that he didn’t see coming.

 

**Doing homework:**

 

“I’ll give you a kiss if you finish your math problems,” Jeremy suggested.

 

“Ew, that’s even less motivation,” Michael cringed.

 

**Vines part 2:**

 

The squad was inside the cafeteria. They were eating lunch like normal people, but then Madeline came over.

 

“Hey, where’s the short one? He’s my partner for a project,” she said with a French accent. She threw a piece of paper with notes on it on the table.

 

“What you say?” Rich popped up from behind Jake. “What you say?” He shouted again. “What you say?” He stood up. The entire cafeteria was watching them now.

 

Michael and Jeremy stood up. “I said that whoever threw that paper, your mom’s a hoe!” They high fived each other. The Squip squad cheered the loudest for them, but they both got a detention for it. Then again, it was the best part of their day and it would go down in history for them.

 

**While being famous:**

 

“So, Jeremy, how did you and Michael meet?” Ellen asked. Jeremy and Michael had just designed a hit new game and the two of them had just gotten married.

 

“He threw a crayon at me when we were three,” Michael answered.

 

“That was the day I knew he was mine,” Jeremy said in a lovesick tone.

 

“So, about your relationship. Who’s the more responsible one?” Ellen asked.

 

They both burst into a large fit of laughter. “Next question?” Jeremy said in between breaths.

 

**Vines part 3:**

 

“Hey, Jeremy, what do you want to eat?” Rich asked. They decided to hang out once Rich knew that he got a Squip. Rich's dad wasn’t home, so they were just sitting in the living room.

 

“The souls of the innocent!” The Squip shouted in his head.

 

“A bagel.”

 

“Noooooo!” The Squip shocked him.

 

“Two bagels!” He tried.

 

**Watching anime:**

 

“Oh, fuck, there’s an animal! Jeremy, avert your eyes before you decide you want to fuck it!” Michael shouted.

 

“Who started the rumor that I’m a furry?” Jeremy yelled back.

 

**Stargazing:**

 

“Hey, Michael?” Jeremy asked. They were both on top of a hill while on a blanket.

 

“What?” Michael wondered.

 

“You know what’s prettier than the stars?” He murmured. Jeremy grabbed Michael’s hand tightly.

 

“What?”

 

“Who knows? It’s not like we can see them through light pollution.”

 

**While in the shower:**

 

“I wanna dance with somebody!” Michael sang. “I wanna feel the heat with somebody!”

 

Jeremy was outside recording it on Snapchat.

 

“Yeah I wanna dance with Jeremy! With somebody who loves me!” He finished. Jeremy’s heart actually warmed a little at the lyric change.

 

That didn’t stop him from posting it.

 

**Stargazing part 2:**

 

“You know what’s as pretty as the stars?” Jeremy watched a shooting star move overhead.

 

“What is it?” Michael asked. Maybe Jeremy wouldn’t pull a fas-

 

“Christine~” he sang.

 

"Motherfucking-." Michael moved to hit Jeremy and he rolled out of the way while laughing his off.

 

**Making food:**

 

“Michael, put it out! Put it out!” Jeremy screeched from the kitchen. Michael had just come home from his part time job and assumed Jeremy wanted to make a romantic dinner.

 

He saw smoke and grabbed the fire extinguisher from the living room wall and put out the fire that came from the stove.

 

“Oh… oh, thank God for you.” Jeremy wrapped his arms around Michael and rested his sweaty forehead on Michael’s shirt.

 

Michael took a picture of the kitchen and posted it on his Snapchat for revenge against the singing in the shower incident.

 

**Vines part 4:**

 

The Squip squad was at the beach with their classmates. Jake had brought his speaker and a crowd gathered around them eight doing the t-pose. Their classmates had their cameras out, but then, something unexpected happen.

 

As soon as the water approached their feet, Jake played this [ song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_Xo0MAAqr8) and they all booked it away from the water.

 

**Vines part 5:**

 

Michael was in the band room, his camera on the opposite side of the piano. He laid his keys down on it. Then, he started [ playing ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deBdzC5QVQw)Heart & Soul and Jeremy came in, nae-naeing it the fuck up.

 

“Seriously, why are you making me do this?” Christine asked.

 

**Sexting:**

 

“I want you to shove your gamecube controller so far inside my ass that when the rumble feature is on, it touches my prostate,” Jeremy texted.

 

“Please be like Kirby and vore me,” Michael texted back.

 

**While having a YT channel:**

 

“What’s up guys, it’s your boy ImNotAFurry420 here and today we’ll be playing through Paper Mario!” Jeremy grinned. “Last time, we had just gotten Vivian as a partner and she is easily the best character in this entire game.”

 

“Don’t worry, guys. Jeremy is only into animals, not shadowy females,” Michael interrupted.

 

“Shut your fuck down, WeedWhacker69.”

 

**Vines part 6:**

 

“Jeremy, I’m not sure this is safe,” Christine said.

 

“It’s fine!” Michael beamed. They were in an underground car parking lot and Jeremy was in a shopping cart.

 

“Okay,” Christine gave in.

 

Michael pushed Jeremy onto a downwards slope. He screamed and fell off when he hit a yellow beam.

 

**Vines part 7:**

 

“Welcome to bible study, we’re all children of Jesus!” Michael took a video of him and everyone at Jake’s party. He saw Chloe snorting cocaine. “Kumbay-a-a-a-a!”

 

“Hey, Michael! Is that a weed?” Jeremy pointed to his phone. He then threw his arms around Michael in order to keep standing.

 

“No, it’s a crayon!” Michael beamed.

 

“I’m calling the police!” Jeremy fell on the ground.

 

“Nine-one-one, what’s your emergency?” Michael heard someone’s speakerphone go off. He thought it was just part of the vine until the police continued talking. He picked up Jeremy and booked it out of Jake’s house.

 

**Proposing:**

 

“Jeremy. We’ve been dating for six years, now,” Michael got down on one knee. “I love you to bits and pieces, so… instead of bae, can I call you fam?” He wondered.

 

Jeremy had literal tears in his eyes. “Yes. It’s such a stupid idea for a proposal in the middle of a park, but you could’ve asked me in any way and I still would’ve said yes!” Jeremy tackle-hugged him.

 

**While getting married:**

 

“Well, Michael, I vow to always be there for you. I vow to stay by your side, no matter how much we disagree or shout at each other. I vow to love you always and I vow to be your player two as long as you’ll have me,” Jeremy read out.

 

“Jeremy, I vow to comfort you in your darkest days. I know that we’re always joking and memeing around, but I care about you so much and there’s no one that I’d rather put up with for the rest of my life.” Michael smiled. The audience chuckled.

 

“Do you, Jeremiah Heere, take Michael Mell to be your lawfully wedded husband?” The priest asked.

 

“I do,” he said.

 

“Do you, Michael Mell, take Jeremiah Heere to be your lawfully wedded husband?” He turned to the Filipino man.

 

“I do. Of course, I do,” he beamed.

 

“You may now kiss the groom,” the priest finalized. Michael pulled Jeremy into a deep kiss and Jeremy couldn’t help but hold Michael tightly.

 

“So, are you finally going to tell me what our song is?” Jeremy wondered as Michael took him to the dance floor.

 

“Depends. Did you learn how to dance?” Michael tilted his head.

 

“For you? Of course not. To not embarrass myself? Yeah,” Jeremy chuckled.

 

“Well our song is-”

 

“If it’s Despacito, Africa, or anything by a soundcloud rapper, I will leave,” Jeremy warned him.

 

“Just listen,” Michael promised.

 

“Do you hear me? I’m talking to you. Across the water. Across the deep, blue ocean! Under the open sky, oh my, baby I’m trying,” Michael harmonized with the song. They started dancing together.

 

“Boy I hear you. In my dreams. I feel your whisper across the sea,” Jeremy filled in. “I keep you with me in my heart. You make it easier when life gets hard!” He messed up a few steps, but it didn’t matter. It was their special day, and they could be as goofy as they wanted.

 

“I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend!” They sang together. “Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be coming home again…”

 

“You’re so geeky and cheesy, but I can’t believe you chose this song," Jeremy muttered. "I guessed it was going to be something by the Front Bottoms, but you shocked me."

 

“It was the only one that would fit. I’m glad that you knew the lyrics,” Michael grinned. Jeremy kissed him quickly.

 

“They don’t know how long it takes. Waiting for a love like this,” they both continued. “Every time we say goodbye, I wish we had one more kiss! I’ll wait for you, I promise you, I will!”

 

“Hey, nerds, stop ruining the song!” Rich shouted. Everyone cackled.

 

“I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend!” They both sang obnoxiously. Michael and Jeremy laughed too hard to continue to sing, so they just danced around and never stopped smiling at each other.

 

At the end of the song, everyone prepared to step in, but Michael stopped them.

 

“Alexa! Play the Spiderman two pizza theme!” Michael shouted. Jeremy gasped loudly and the obnoxious [ tune ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czTksCF6X8Y)blared out of an Alexa cleverly hidden near a microphone.

 

“ **MiChAel!** ” If Jeremy’s eyes could turn red, they would’ve been a deep crimson.

 

**While adopting a child:**

 

“Hey, Jeremy, should we adopt a kid?” Michael wondered.

 

“How about a dog?” Jeremy suggested.

 

“FUCK YEAH!” Michael shouted. Their nine dogs started barking in response to the loud noises.

 

**While dying:**

 

Jeremy and Michael were old as dirt. They were the last two of the Squip squad, and they were sitting in rocking chairs in the sunset.

 

“You dead yet?” Michael croaked out.

 

“Not yet, cunt,” Jeremy coughed.

 

“Keep that up… and I’ll remove your oxygen tank,” Michael warned.

 

“I couldn’t hear you over your diabetes.”

 

“You can barely hear at all!”

 

**If Jeremy died first:**

 

“You just had to lick the swing set,” Michael sighed. He watched Jeremy’s body get put underground.

 

**If Michael died first:**

 

“See you in Hell, fucker,” Jeremy cackled. “I told you nothing bad would happen from licking that swing set!”

 

**While getting released from holding:**

 

“Let’s go again!” Michael cheered.

 

“Michael, a cop stopped you because he accused you of being high. He asks to see your license and you told him that you only had five senses,” Jeremy deadpanned.

 

“Thanks for bailing me out, babe!” Michael kissed his cheek.


	2. Shitpost Generator MKII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back with more memes and broken dreams.
> 
> Alternatively titled: 'Oh, God, he wrote a part 2.'

**Vines Part 8:**

 

It was 2 in the morning, and Michael held a water bottle. Jeremy had passed out because he accidentally vored Michael’s water instead of his coffee and Michael took the coffee before Jeremy got a chance to have any.

 

Michael opened the cap, considered the consequences (mainly the consequences of washing his sheets), and shrugged. It was worth it.

 

He spilled the water on Jeremy’s face and watched it scrunch up. It was kind of cute.

 

“Hello?” Jeremy sat up. Michael cheered as his master plan worked.

 

“Why do you guys do this so much?” Jake asked from behind the camera.

 

“I don’t know,” Rich admitted.

 

**Confessing:**

 

“Jeremy, I think you’re a cutie,” Michael practiced in the mirror. Jeremy was too oblivious to notice his subtle hints, so he decided to take the direct approach.

 

“Hey, Michael? Where are you?” Jeremy shouted as his front door closed.

 

“Jeremy!” Michael slid down his railing. “I think you’re a cunt!” He beamed.

 

“Tatsumaki Senpuukyaku.” Jeremy roundhouse kicked Michael.

 

“Wait, I meant… cute!” He gasped out the last word. “Ow…”

 

“Wait, what?” Jeremy scrunched up his face. “Am I on an episode of Walk the Prank?”

 

“No, you fuckhead! I like you!” Michael shouted.

 

“Oh. I like you, too.”

 

“You have a funny way of showing it!”

 

Jeremy shrugged.

 

**Meeting for the first time:**

 

“Now, Jeremy, be nice to the other kids, okay? I’ll pick you up around three,” Mr. Heere said to his son.

 

“Oay!” Jeremy babbled. He held his Optimus Prime action figure tightly.

 

Baby Jeremy waddled over to an abandoned corner. If older Jeremy could voice over his baby self’s thoughts, it would probably go something like-

 

_ “I ain’t playing with these fuckheads. I got my own shit.” _

 

Then, another kid with much darker skin came over. He had crayons and a paper.

 

“Hewwo!” Baby Michael tried.

 

_ “Get this fucking uwu shit out of here.” _

 

“Hi…” Baby Jeremy focused on playing by himself.

 

Michael threw a crayon at his forehead.

 

_ “Sorry, dad, but I’m going to be the first three year old to go to prison.” _

 

“Ow!” Was what Baby Jeremy really said.

 

“Wanna draw?” Baby Michael wondered.

 

_ “I’ll stab you in the eye with your crayons!” _

 

“Oay.”

 

**First time doing drugs:**

 

“Hey, Jeremy, look what I got from my cousins!” Michael held up papers and what looked like Oregano. They were in ninth grade and inside Michael’s basement.

 

“What is that?” He asked.

 

“Weed!” Michael beamed.

 

“I thought that shit was bad for you or whatever? Unless DARE was lying to me…” Jeremy squinted at him.

 

“Nah, nah, I got high and it was funny as shit. You laugh a lot and it’s really fun. Try it! If we like it, we like it! Aren’t you at least curious, Jere-”

 

“Fuck it, give me a hit,” Jeremy said. “It’s hit, right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

And we all know how that turned out.

 

**Coffee Shop AU:**

 

“Hi, can I get an iced coffee? Large?” Jeremy asked.

 

“Sure,” Michael said. He handed the stranger his drink.

 

“Thanks,” Jeremy tipped him about four dollars. Michael saw a piece of paper in there.

 

‘Here’s my number if you ever want to call me…’ The message read out.

 

Michael scoffed and threw it away. He was a broke college student that wasn’t interested. He had never even met the guy!

 

**A/B/O Dynamics:**

 

“Hey, slut, get on my cock,” Michael said.

 

“Okay, alpha,” Jeremy listened.

 

**Bartender AU:**

 

“Rough night?” Michael asked the mousy beanpole in front of him.

 

“I got dumped. Again. Hit me with something strong,” Jeremy said.

 

“Sorry, bud. You not interested in anyone tonight?”

 

Jeremy shook his head.

 

“I’ll make sure you get home safely,” he sympathised.

 

“Kay. Thanks.”

 

**Michael speaking “Filipino”:**

 

“Hey, Michael, what words do you know in Filipino?” Jeremy asked.

 

“Oh my God, I’m dating a fucking idiot.” Michael facepalmed.

 

“Why? What did I say?” Jeremy scoffed.

 

“Filipino people speak Tagalog, not fucking Filipino,” he rolled his eyes.

 

“Just say something to me in Filipino,” Jeremy sighed. “I’m sorry, okay?”

 

“Forgiven. It’s whatever. Most people say that, anyway. I guess mahal kita works,” Michael shrugged.

 

“What does that mean? Am I a horse fucker or something?”

 

“Well, you are, but that’s not what it means. It’s just ‘I love you’ in Tagalog,” Michael said.

 

“Oh. Okay,” Jeremy nodded. 

 

No, he did not get a sexual thrill from Michael saying mahal kita to him.

 

**Snapchat filters:**

 

“Ha! You’re a fucking thot!” Michael turned the camera to Jeremy.

 

He switched the filter and put it on Michael. “Okay, pastel bitch,” he said as Michael adorned a flower crown.

 

“I look like a fucking Queen, so you can lick my  **cunt** ,” Michael growled.

 

**If Jeremy was a girl:**

 

They wouldn’t be dating.

 

**Cabbage Night:**

 

**** “These eggs empty!  **_Y E E T !_ ** _"_ Michael chucked them at Dustin Kropp’s house.

 

“Toilet paper, done!” Jeremy promised. He was ripping up chunks and scattering them so that they would be harder to pick up.

 

They ding-dong ditched his house and fucking booked it.

 

**After eating sushi at 7-11:**

 

“You’re okay, Jeremy,” Michael promised. Jeremy’s face was over a toilet and Michael was rubbing his back.

 

“How the fuck are your intestines not shriveled up?”

 

“My intestines have died by now. Nothing can affect them anymore. Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, gas station sushi, Mexican food, and Chipotle bow down to me,” Michael explained.

 

Jeremy heaved again.

 

**One bed left:**

 

“Oh, hey, they only gave us one bed,” Jeremy frowned. They weren’t dating at this point.

 

“Yeah. Good thing we brought sleeping bags!” Michael beamed.

 

“Since we’re here for four days, we’ll switch off?” He asked.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Cool.”

 

**Car accident:**

 

“Hey, Michael? This isn’t funny. You better wake up, you son of a bitch or I’ll get really pissed,” Jeremy said. Michael had a lot of bruises and his forehead was bleeding. 

 

The blare of traffic continued on. The Fall air continued to chill Jeremy to the bone. The Universe didn’t stop for them. It all happened within a few moments, and Michael was…

 

“Michael, you have to wake up. You’re scaring me,” Jeremy whispered. He felt for a pulse, and there was a heartbeat.

 

He still wouldn’t  _ wake up _ though.

 

“Michael, listen to me. If you die here, I will never forgive you. Do you hear me? I will  _ never  _ forgive you. I will spend my life cursing your name and wishing that I was dead. You can’t do this to me,” Jeremy growled. 

 

The paramedics came in and took Michael inside. Jeremy refused to let go of his hand until one of them pulled him off.

 

“Please save him. I’m fine,” Jeremy let the tears fall. His skin burned after the crash, and he knew his face was bleeding, but he was able to move. 

 

Michael wasn’t moving.

 

The world spun around Jeremy’s eyes and it made him wonder if he could walk inside the hospital.

 

No, it wasn’t a question of ‘could’, but a question of ‘how’ he was getting inside that hospital. As irrational and dumb as it sounded, Michael needed him to be strong.

 

Jeremy would’ve put himself inside that operating room if he could. Instead, he resigned himself to another room where he got stitches in his head.

 

“Will Michael make it?” Was the million dollar question.

 

“We’re not sure, but we are doing everything we can, sir,” the nurse responded.

 

Jeremy nodded.

 

It must’ve been hours. Jeremy was waiting outside in the cafeteria for Michael to wake up. They were both just out of college, but they were down farther in New Jersey than Montclair in an apartment together. 

 

He refused to go back to that apartment alone.

 

Michael had to be okay. He had to be okay. Dear, God, he had to be okay. Jeremy would never let it go if his best friend and lover disappeared on him. It would kill him.

 

“Michael is in stable condition.” Someone finally told him. Jeremy could’ve started crying right then and there. “He’s awake, and he’s been muttering your name.”

 

Jeremy bolted to his side.

 

“Fucking idiot,” Jeremy whispered. Michael was covered in bandages and stitches. Jeremy carefully wrapped his arms around the Filipino.

 

“Jeremy…” he murmured. 

 

“I’m right here. I hate you so much, you dumbass,” Jeremy sobbed.

 

“Missed you,” Michael coughed out.

 

**Rumors:**

 

“Hey, there’s a rumor going along that Dustin Kropp is fucking me out of this country,” Jeremy read out.

 

“Last I checked, I was fucking with Kurt and Ram from Study Hall,” Michael said.

 

“Oh, word, a threesome?” Jeremy high fived him. They both burst out into a fit of chuckles.

 

**At the zoo:**

 

“You’re that one,” Jeremy pointed to the turtle that was flipped over.

 

“Honestly? I can’t even disagree.”

 

**Vines part 9:**

 

“So, guys, I wanted to come out as lesbian!” Brooke beamed one day.

 

“I thought you were American,” Michael and Jeremy high fived each other.

 

**Jock and Nerd AU:**

 

“Hey, nerd,” Michael waved. “Nice clothes. Did your mom pick them out for you?” He squinted at him.

 

“Hi, Michael. Also, yeah. You think I do my own shopping?”

 

“Nah. I don’t, either.” Michael looked down at his jeans. “Later.”

 

“Later.”

 

A few months later, they fuck so harshly that Jeremy started to recite the periodic table he was so confused and stressed.

 

**Hogwarts AU:**

 

“Yo, check this out.” Michael stood on top of his broom. He flew up high and promptly fell off while Jeremy laughed during his descent.

 

**Browsing fanart:**

 

“Hey, Jeremy! I looked up our names and apparently we’re a ship!” Michael beamed.

 

Jeremy squinted. How did that happen? “Oh, wait, I know. Jenna wrote a book and described us using our real names and personalities,” he said.

 

“What’s Rule thirty four again? I feel like I should know…” Michael said.

 

Jeremy’s jaw dropped. “Michael, don’t click th-”

 

Michael let out a high pitched scream that broke their window.

 

**Promposal:**

 

Michael held up a boombox that played ‘Is this love?’ by Bob Marley. He was wearing a leather jacket with a white shirt and tight jeans.

 

“I know it’s a bit old school, but I thought you would like it!” He shouted when Jeremy opened his window.

 

“You’re such a fucking geek! Of course I’ll go to prom with you! You could’ve just thrown a rock with a note on it and I still would’ve said yes!”

 

“Really?” Michael took the stone out of his pocket and chucked it at Jeremy.

 

“OW, FUCK!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every person who doesn't comment probably got exposed and is also salty about it.


	3. Just Boyf Things (Plus a few call-outs)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Rises from my place in Hell* Surprise, bitch!
> 
> Betcha thought you'd seen the last of this fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so fucked up holy shit.

**Scratching the dandruff off your head and watching it drift away in the wind:**

 

Jeremy scratched his head so hard that clumps of it fell off. Having the dandruff made his hair more itchy.

 

“Hey, dude. I think you missed a spot,” Michael said. He sipped his tea casually while Jeremy flipped him off.

 

“I need dandruff shampoo.”

 

“You need a haircut, too,” Michael pointed to Jeremy’s almost shoulder-length hair.

 

“But I won’t be able to put my hair up into an ugly man-bun!” Jeremy sighed. “Fine, bitch. I’ll cut my hair. It is summer…” He muttered.

 

“Wow, you’re listening to my opinion on something?” Michael covered his heart in mock-joy.

 

**Using super glue as lube on your boyfriend’s penis so you can be together forever:**

 

“Hey, this lube feels great. Where did you get it from?” Jeremy asked while Michael was balls deep inside him.

 

“I don’t know, let me check,” Michael grabbed it. “Uh, Jeremy?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Why do you have Elmer’s glue on your nightstand?”

 

“Because I had an art pro-” Jeremy stared at Michael’s lower regions. “Michael, pull it out! Pull it out!”

 

He tried, but to no avail.

 

“Holy fucking shit, just carry me to the bathroom and the water will get us unstuck! I cannot believe that you’re this retarded!” Jeremy slapped his arm multiple times.

 

“You took the label off along with the orange cap! Why would you do that?” Michael picked up Jeremy and thanked God he was light. It didn’t make being glued to his asshole anymore comfortable.

 

“How could you not tell it was sticky?” Jeremy scoffed.

 

“I thought it was some kind of special lube!”

 

Jeremy facepalmed and just sighed. “You disappoint me, Michael Mell.”

 

**Being invested in books:**

 

“Hey, Michael! I’m reading this book called Everybody Loves Large Chests and it’s great! It’s about a murderous chest on a quest to get shiny things and-demons are having sex. One of them has a dick, yet is a female demon,” Jeremy sighed. 

 

“Jeremy, what the fuck?”

 

“No, seriously, besides seeing that this blue demon is getting pounded by a thirty inch cock, this is great!” 

 

**Feeling safe when he drives:**

 

**** “Michael, what are you doing!?!?!?”

 

“We can make it before the train track things fall down!” He pushed forward on the gas pedal.

 

“OH GOD I DON’T WANT TO DIE YET!”

 

**Being inseparable from your best friend:**

 

“Michael, tell me you did not use glue as lube again.”

 

“Uh…”

 

**Hoping he will notice you:**

 

“Senpai, notice me already!” Jeremy shouted.

 

“Jeremy, if you ever say those words while on the same continent as me again, I will scour your existence from the planet,” Michael promised.

 

**Wanting a small tattoo that has lots of meaning to you:**

 

“So, what’s up with the Pac-Man tattoo again?” Jeremy-as-a-Sophomore asked Michael.

 

“My cousin is a tattoo artist and I thought we could get matching tattoos as a mark of friendship!” Michael grinned.

 

“Why Pac-Man?”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I mean, I guess it was the first game we played together.”

 

“See? So let’s do it!”

 

Jeremy was fine until the needle pierced his skin and made him scream ~~like the weak bitch he was.~~

 

**Finding someone who treats you right:**

 

“Jeremy, you want to wear my hoodie while we eat this Domino’s pizza and cheesy bread?” Michael suggested.

 

“If I ever say no to that, I want you to just assassinate me.”

 

**When a song describes exactly how you feel:**

 

“Hey, Michael, why is Despacito playing?”

 

**Being comfortable in oversized hoodies:**

 

**** “Sorry, Michael isn’t here. He’s in sweater town,” Michael told Jeremy.

 

“I didn’t mean to eat your burrito, I swear! It was either that or me perishing!”

 

“Then perish.”

 

**Having a boy sing to me:**

 

“I love you, bitch!” Michael strummed the guitar. “I ain’t ever gonna stop loving you, bitch!”

 

**Painting your nails:**

 

Jeremy unscrewed the nails out of his vent and gently dabbed them with glittery pink.

 

**Wearing a belt:**

 

“Take the slaps, you fucking fool,” Michael flicked his wrist.

 

“Ngh!” Jeremy didn’t want to admit that a belt smacking against his ass felt good. At least, when Michael wasn’t putting his full strength behind it.

 

**Getting away with murder:**

 

“You just had to do it to ‘em, huh, Michael?” Jeremy asked as he threw Dustin Kropp’s corpse deep in the forest. They removed his teeth, eyes, every piece of hair, bleached his insides, removed his internal organs, and dumped worms on him.

 

“Okay, in fairness, he drew swastikas on our house and tried to rape you,” Michael said.

 

“And he walked way, I know. But did you really have to kill him?” 

 

“Yes.”

 

**When boys are strong:**

 

“I bet I can fit a bath bomb up my ass,” Jeremy said.

 

**When your clothes smell like him:**

 

“Did I just get high off of sniffing Michael’s hoodie?” Jeremy muttered.

 

“Jeremy, you better not be masturbating to my hoodie.”

 

“Nah, someone did that in a different fanfic.”

 

“Cool.”

 

**When everyone keeps referencing page 80:**

 

“Okay, so here’s a few: Multitasking, Yet Another Page 80 Fic, How Many Page 80 Fanfics Can This Fandom Produce, The 80th Page 80 Fic, Page 80 But Better, Page 80 But It’s Actually Realistic, Have You Heard About Those Page 80 Fics, and oh, here’s a clever one, Eighty,” Michael read out.

 

“Yeah, we’re self-aware, bitches. We’re calling you all out,” Jeremy said.

 

**Spider-man AUs:**

 

“Spider-man, over here!” Michael waved.

 

“Hello, citizen! You in trouble or are you looking for an autograph?” Jeremy in his costume asked.

 

“Oh my God, my best friend is Spiderman,” Michael murmured.

 

“Sorry, sir, but I’ve never met you before.”

 

“Jeremy, you didn’t even use a voice modulator. How retarded do you think I am?”

 

“Okay, look-”

 

**Being able to call someone ‘mine’:**

 

“Okay, get working in the fields, slave!” Michael cheerfully commanded.

 

“Yes sir…” Jeremy murmured, heavy bags under his eyes.

 

"I love the early eighteen hundreds!"

 

**Playing board games with friends:**

 

**** “Charlie, Charlie, are you there?” Michael asked. The pencil moved a little.

 

Jeremy let out a soul shattering shriek.

 

**Playing board games with friends (part 2):**

 

**** “What’s your name?” Jeremy and Michael asked at the same time. The arrow pointed to the word ‘Yes’.

 

“Oh my God-”

 

“What the fuck?”

 

Rich came running in screaming, too, even though he wasn’t invited.

 

**Practicing your poses:**

 

“Check out my-” Jeremy raised up his legs and revealed his blue booty shorts. “Not pants.”

 

**Writing in the sand:**

 

“Kilroy was here,” Michael murmured.

 

“If you’re reading, this you’re in a coma! We’re trying different methods of communication to interact with you! If you see this, you need to find a way to wake up! None of this is real!” Jeremy wrote.

 

**When he texts you:**

 

“I just got Ligma,” Michael texted.

 

“Cool, what’s that? Is it like Sugma?”

 

“What’s sugma?”

 

“Sugma nutz.”

 

**Enjoying a view:**

 

“Hey, Jeremy, stop standing in front of the screen. I don’t care that you’re naked, I want to watch Bo Burnham.” Michael tilted his head.

 

**Comfort food:**

 

“Eat my ass,” Jeremy shouted.

 

“Let’s do it.”

 

**Dating country boys:**

 

“Howdy, Michael! Want to take a ride on my tractor as sip beer, talk about dirt roads, and sing about how the country lifestyle is the only lifestyle even though everyone who sings about country life is a millionaire who wouldn’t breathe near a farm if they had any say about it?” Jeremy asked.

 

“Uh, do I? Of course!”

 

**Hanging lights around your bed:**

 

“From the depths of Hell, I beseech your power. Bring me your servants to aid in my darkest hour. Crush my heart, burn my soul, and sacrifice what makes me man. Bring forth the merciless strength of your land. My woes ache me to the core. Only for me shall you open up death’s door. A powerful entity, one from the third Hell. Appear in my room, Michael Mell!” Jeremy chanted. The candles in his room went out. The pentagram sizzled, too. Jeremy took the glowing (purple) ritual knife and slashed his palm. He let the blood drip onto the center of where the pentagram once lied.

 

Smoke appeared, and a demon showed up. He had dark skin, messy short hair, thin glasses, and was overall very attractive. Like a Calvin Klein model. He had fangs when he grinned and the only thing that covered his nether regions was a pair of shorts.

 

“You call upon my services?” He bowed.

 

“Yes. I need your help with something very dear to me. You’ll be awarded appropriately,” Jeremy promised. He read in the book that demons don’t like to be tricked, so he was ready to be upfront and as truthful as possible while reading the demon for lies.

 

“An award? That’s a new offering. I’m listening,” he said. Every instinct Jeremy had told him to run away. Every brain cell told him that his plan was stupid, and that he shouldn’t have busted out the spellbook from in his attic.

 

“I request that you protect me from those who wish to harm me. Three attempts have been made on my life to weaken my father’s company, Heere to Stay. A man who goes by the alias of Squip runs a rival business called Oblong Advances,” Jeremy said. “Since I turned eighteen, I worked with my dad and I’ll run his company some day.”

 

“And what is this reward you speak of?” Michael tilted his head. No one ever summoned him for anything interesting. They were always demanding, annoying, or both. So meeting the polite young adult who was about to offer a  _ demon _ an award was pretty interesting.

 

“What is it that you desire? Name your wish, and I’ll do what I can to fulfill it,” Jeremy said.

 

“Okay…” Michael nodded. He decided that this man was kind of cute. None of the demons back ‘home’ were really down for Michael’s more risque advancements, so… “Full access to your body.”

 

Without even hesitating. “Done.”

 

That actually made Michael’s cocky grin disappear. “Really, now? Just like that?” The demon wondered if he should’ve had more fun and asked for something heavier, but he thought the idea of letting a demon have sex with him would make him terrified! Instead, he just got a stone cold response.

 

“If sex is the only thing you want in exchange for protecting me, then I’m yours. If I don’t die, then losing my virginity to a creature from another dimension is the least of my worries. Besides, I imagine demons are creatures of magic and have some skill in deception. Am I lying to you?”

 

Michael started cackling. He was right on with both accounts. “You’re one morbid guy, huh? A bit insane, too. At least you’ve got the attractive brooding teen thing going for you. Alright, whatever. It’s more fun being on Earth than in Hell, so I think that I’ll enjoy my time here. In multiple ways, of course.” Michael stuck out his hand.

 

“My life is in your hands. You may be a demon, but I trust that you’ll hold up your end to the bargain,” Jeremy said.

 

“Saying demons are deceptive is a stereotype, and while it may be completely true, I like you already. That’s saying a lot.”

 

Jeremy wasn’t sure if he was lying. Every microexpression the demon should’ve had wasn’t there, and its smile was on the line between cocky, genuine, and deceptive, somehow. 

 

He would just have to hope the demon wouldn’t kill him, first.

 

**When he leaves you a cute note:**

 

“I just want you to know… that… my love for you is as high as a thirty foot tall tree,” Jeremy read out the text message.

 

“Lit,” he texted back.

 

**Burning things that don’t mean anything to you:**

 

“Hey, Michael. I found my ticket stub to our first concert… Weird Al…” Jeremy stared at the candle.

 

“Burn it,” Michael said.

 

“Yeah, good idea.”

 

**Playing in the snow:**

 

“Hey, Michael, that snow is red!” Jeremy beamed. “You think it’s a new flavor?”

 

“Uh, Jeremy? No joke, but those statements actually creeped me out."

 

“Well, Michael, would you prefer the brown snow then?” Jeremy shouted.

 

**Boys with nice eyes:**

 

“Michael, you’re doing that anime thing when I can’t see your eyes,” Jeremy complained.

 

“Jeremy, we just got out of the shower. You think my glasses won’t be foggy?”

 

“Foggy, smoggy, I like your legally blind eyes!”

 

**Wanting to run again:**

 

“Hey, be right back, have to use the bathroom,” Jeremy tried to get up, but his foot fell asleep.

 

When his foot fell asleep, it was like a million live wires that were the size of strings touched his foot. Or maybe a million wasps decided to say ‘Hey, let’s fuck with that guy in particular’ and they all just agree. Or maybe it was like sticking his foot in a pile of needles. Any of those analogies worked.

 

Either way,  _ it hurt like a motherfucker. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, not all of these are based off Just Girly Things sue me. I should just delete this account right now.
> 
> I also looked up page eighty fanfics for that one joke. Those are all real. So is the hoodie masturbating fic. I don't remember the name, but I saw the description and was a little traumatized.
> 
> Also I might actually write a legitimate fanfic for the Demon AU (minus the smut since I'm not about that)
> 
> And if you wrote a page eighty fanfic shame on you. Shame. Shame. Shame.

**Author's Note:**

> This got kind of dark?????? But like, whatever. It's not sad. It's literally just a shitpost generator and I'm sorry for everyone who read this the whole through.
> 
> Also Parahumans is a fantastic book I highly recommend it it's online and it's free and you don't have to download anything.
> 
> Finally, Lucky is a real song and it's fantastic and it fits them perfectly.


End file.
